Sitting up all night traipsing down memory lane. Funny how a place that you hate so much and will never return to can still hold such fond memories. I didn't think I was carefree then and I certainly wasn't happy, not in the content, actually-like-waking-up-each-day way that I am now. But I always wanted to be one of those people with a lot of stories to tell and now here I am. I didn't know that those stories come from fucking up, getting your heart broken, making mistakes, being hurt, being healed, being stupid, being wise, being cruel, being kind, being afraid, being brave. But I was a kid and boy did I live like a kid. Not sure what I am now. Sort of an adult, some kind of grown up. I never do anything the way one should, unfortunately, but who else can I be but myself? I'm rambling, yes, but sometimes it helps to just merrily float down the stream of consciousness in a public, yet mostly anonymous forum. After all, the people who actually know me don't come here often if at all.

I'm a little bit manic lately. Got a boyfriend I like but don't love, a past I love but don't like, a job I despise but a career I adore, and the most amazing dogs in the world. I've got a better idea of what I want, too. Which is interesting. Definitely not what I thought I would be when I grew up. Or where I would be. Still not fully crystallized. I'm not a finished being yet. I don't think we ever are, but I don't feel a hairsbreadth away from 30. I feel about the same as I did at 16, only more comfortable in my skin. Then other days I feel like an old woman.

I do know that when I actually AM an old woman I'll be that old hag on the front porch with the 12 gauge across her lap and all the ornery dogs lying at her feet shouting "Get the fuck off my property!" Got a couple girlfriends who see themselves heading the same way. We'll have a bitchy old hag commune...or compound, as my best friend's husband refers to it. He figures if we're gonna have guns we may as well have a 12 foot fence with razor wire, too, and being a guy and thus permanently addicted to toys, he wants us to add motion activated machine gun turrets. Personally, the ornery dogs and the 12 gauge are all the security I need. But you sure as hell can't come in unless you like dogs or you like cleaning house and doing yard work for free. Too bad I don't want to get married. Husbands are good for that sort of thing.

I need to get laid. Damn boyfriend lives 2 hours away and is working 4 hours away. Nice guy. Cute. Funny. Sexy. Sweet. Has an immaculately clean house and isn't gay nor living with his mother. Great kisser. Other good features too numerous to mention. Not the One. *sigh* Least I'm not dating assholes anymore. Some things do get better as you get older.

Anyway, those are my random 2am thoughts for the moment. Ciao!